Shedding Light On Dark Thoughts

” When your day is long. And the night, the night is yours alone. When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life. Well hang on. Don’t let yourself go. ‘Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.”

– R.E.M

Heavy Topics

Last week I wrote about a pretty personal topic, but this week and next are about to get even more personal. It’s easier for me to write about what someone did to me, but it’s harder to write about what actually goes on in my head. This month is Suicide Prevention Month, and I felt like with this year being what it has been, I should shed some light on the topic. I will be breaking this topic into two parts as I feel it requires some more attention to detail.

Struggling Everyday

Every single person has been touched with something challenging over the last 7 months. Whether you’ve lost your job, you’re learning to manage working at home while your kids are E-Learning, or your social life has been majorly hindered. No matter what your challenge has been, I think we can all agree, none of us have any idea what we’re supposed to be focused on. I think we can take comfort in the fact that no one has the slightest idea on how to move forward.

Some of us haven’t even fully accepted the pieces COVID has left us with. Some days I’m overwhelmed by how drastically everything has changed for me. At the end of 2019, I had recently come out of a serious relationship that left me broken. I was working at a wedding decor warehouse putting seat covers on seat cushions for 8 hours a day. My one saving grace was working at an unpaid event planning internship. I was struggling every. single. day. Some nights I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. I thought 2020 was going to be my fresh, clean start…

My 2020 Vision

After a few months of feeling devastated and fed up, I finally sat down and did the work. I applied to every job in my field, even if they were out of my league. Just before the start of the new year, I got a call for an interview for my dream job. All my years of random jobs and struggling to find my passion were finally over. Everything I ever worked for was mine! The sun was starting to come up on my life. I moved out of my friend’s house and finally signed a lease for my very own apartment. I had always pictured myself with a job I loved, in a little apartment, with my dog. It was all coming together. Things were starting to look up! Then, March 2020 hit.

At first, I remember being kind of happy. Right before wedding season, I wouldn’t mind a two week break. Until two weeks became two months and then it became forever. In July I had to make the awful trip to the office to clear out my desk. I cried the whole way home. I had worked so hard to get to this point and it was all taken away in one swing. I was feeling anger, confusion and defeat all at the same time.

Familiar Feelings of Defeat

I have always struggled getting my ducks in a row. Figuring out what I really wanted and achieving it was my biggest accomplishment. To see that taken away crushed me. There’s some days I still just sit and cry, and I mean really cry, because I still can’t wrap my brain around what happened. Why does this keep happening to me? When will it be my turn to live a normal life? There have been a few times in my life where I just wanted to disappear. However, this time around I just felt full defeat.

Moving forward everyday is hard. Some days I catch glimpses of who I really am. Other days I feel like I’m made of glass, like I could fall apart at any moment. I will say with time I have tried to embrace this downfall to really find myself. It has led me to this blog and it has led me on a whole new journey of self discovery.

How Do We Move Forward?

This year has been a challenge to say the least. In order for us to get through it, we need to focus on what makes us happy. We have witnessed that our jobs can be taken away in the blink of an eye, so what do you have when that is gone?

I am someone who loves fall decorations! So, I put my fall decorations up the second September hit because it brings me joy. I started taking more bubble baths, going on longer walks, reading more books and appreciating being alive. I opened myself up enough to finally find someone who has brought out a side of me I didn’t know I could show someone else. There are positive moments in every single day. Paying attention to those small, positive things will keep you getting up in the morning and showing up for your life. Some days appreciating we’re alive is the best thing we can do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *